Blow Jobs
Social Context for Blow Jobs
I'm writing to a heterosexual female audience in committed relationships of some sort. Again, if you're a gay man, I can't help you. I'm not saying the tips here definitely will not help you, I'm just saying any help you get from them will be accidental. Likewise, if you're a straight female involved in a lot of one-night stands and such, you don't need to be here. If you're just hooking up with a guy and you want to go down on him, he won't complain no matter how bad your technique is!
So I'm basically writing to the wife who's always been afraid to give head but now is starting to consider it and just doesn't know what to do, the girlfriend who loves giving her boyfriend blowjobs but, due to his uncommunicative nature, isn't too sure that she's doing it "right."
Two Kinds of Blow Jobs
There are basically two kinds of "good" blowjobs: slow ones and quick ones. Why does this sound familiar to you, even though other "fellatio tips" sites don't mention it? Because in a lot of ways, fellatio is like other sex acts, including vaginal intercourse. Sexually active people all know nice, slow lovemaking. It's sweet, it's a deep experience, it's a connection. There's also the highly overrated but sometimes just-hitting-the-right-spot quickie. It's the same for blowjobs. Sometimes it's nice to have a "quickie" blowjob. Sometimes the slow "lovemaking" is good, too.
The "Quickie" Blow Job
Before I continue, let me explain a couple of things. First of all, the "quickie" should not be overused. If you do this a lot, your guy may get the impression you're more interested in getting him off quickly than really pleasing him. That brings me to the second issue. Up until this point I've talked a lot about context and not a lot about technique--this is intentional. The one biggest mistake women (and a lot of these other websites) make is being too concerned with technique and not enough with context.
When giving a "quickie" blow job, there are several things you should do. Do use your hand. Use lots of hand, no throat. 90% of the time, though (especially towards the end), your mouth should be on his penis, even if it's just covering the tip. Essentially, you should be thinking of it as a handjob (hence the use of the hand), but he should be thinking of it as a blowjob (hence the mouth almost always on him). Be rapid in your movements and try to get him off as quickly as possible. Believe me, he will think this is a lot more special than just jerking off, even though it's the same motions... the context makes it good.
There are several things to avoid with the "quickie," as well; and these are true for any blowjob you give: avoid doing it as a favor, in order to get him to do something, in order to get him to give you something, in order to stop him from leaving, or to get him to stop concentrating on his work. If he's ignoring you, this is not the way to get his attention. Think about it from his standpoint: "I have a lot of work to do. I'm trying to concentrate. Why do I feel like she's doing this only to distract me? She's not really interested in pleasing me," or, worse yet, "Great. I don't even have to do anything for her. She just gives more head the more I ignore her." Don't think it's true? I've seen it happen many, many times. The woman gives and gives and gives (not just head, I'm talking everything in the relationship), thinking, "if I do enough for him, if I show him I love him, he'll change, he'll love me back." Nope. Jaded women will tell you; he's just taking advantage of you. If you're still giving when he's not giving anything back, you're not inspiring. You're reinforcing his bad behavior. He will continue to get something for nothing.
More on the "Biggest Mistake"
Before we go on to the "long, slow blow job," think about the words "long" and "slow." They may be great words, but do not be scared of them just because they refer to your own "physical labor." This relates to that "biggest mistake" I was talking about earlier. Just as it's important for a man to think you're not using him or rewarding him for bad behavior, it's also important for a man to believe that you're genuinely out to please him. Enthusiasm is key . Any site, book, or person who tells you all about funky names for complicated techniques which twist the skin around his penis into all sorts of shapes who does not also tell you that enthusiasm is the most important thing is full of shit. I'm sorry, but it's true. You have to convey the message "I love you. I really care about you. I want to make you feel good. Just lay back, relax and enjoy."
Think of it as a gift. We generally give people gifts year-round... there are special occasions--christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, etc. Then there are just the times you see something in a store and think, "Oh, he'd just love that!" or you take him out to dinner (Yes, there should be those times. Any woman who insists that men must pay is not exercising her "empowered" right to choose a traditional role. She's upholding a detrimental and patriarchal double-standard). Blowjobs should be like gifts. You give generously, of your own free will, often enough but not too often, without being asked, and out of love. It is in this way of thinking that I encourage you to be giving enough blowjobs and often enough that your man never has to ask you for one. This is not the same as saying "give him one whenever he demands it." The point is, he should not have to demand, ask, plead or beg for one. At the same time, be reasonable... and make him be reasonable. I once read on a message board a woman saying she gave her husband a blowjob every morning before he went to work and swallowed. What happened? She was writing because he wouldn't give her head. Why would he? That's a woman who has no sense of her own worth.
Blowjobs are all about psychology, connection and relationships, not technique. How do I know this is true? What joy does a straight man get out of another man giving him the most fantastic blowjob ever, or a gay man out of a woman giving him the most fantastic blowjob ever? Or what joy does a man get out of jerking himself off? It's not the same as getting an enthusiastic blowjob from the woman he loves. And your enthusiasm should not merely be during the act itself. Read this article with your man there. You'll learn valuable tips and if he gets to see, he'll be encouraged that you're going out there and looking how to be a better lover and he can also tell you at which points he thinks i'm full of shit: "Oh no, oh no, honey. Most of the time this is right on the money, but that paragraph right there... I don't agree with that at all."
A Note on Reciprocity
Since we're talking so much about context, here, I've been writing on the assumption that you're out to please your man. I'm also working on the assumption that you're not the only one out there. If your guy is an asshole, don't give him head. Give him a suitcase and tell him to get the fuck out of your life! There should be reciprocity definitely and absolutely. Under no circumstances should you ever give a guy a blowjob if he's not willing to go down on you. There are several reasons for this. Historically, women have been the givers in heterosexual relationships. This is not a tradition that should continue. You may not realize this, but you hold the power. It's true. First of all, if you don't give a guy blowjobs, 99% of guys for whom this is true will ask, plead, beg, cajole for you to give them one. And if you give in, he will just be bitter that you were not more enthusiastic about it in the first place. Secondly, you need to make sure he goes down on you. If you don't go down on your man, he will be bitter; he won't be happy. What he won't do is take it sitting down. As I said before, he will beg you to go down on him. Most women, on the other hand, will merely accept the fact he doesn't "like the smell" or doesn't " do that ." Bullshit. I can't believe there are seventy-seven year-old women out there who've never had an orgasm. If you're ever with a guy who won't go down on you, kick him in the nuts and leave. Do not even bother yelling at him or explaining why you've broken up. He's a bastard. Every self-respecting straight man loves the smell, taste and texture of pussy. If you've found one who hasn't, there are at least four guys out there who love it for that one who doesn't. Go out and find one of those.
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